it’s 10:26p and i have been trying to write this all day. i’m still learning how to balance staying disciplined in my practices… being present and available for the people i love… taking my solo time…giving myself grace …being spontaneous … and also finding a way. i made a commitment that i will write 2x stories a week. so far i’ve been able to stay consistent. but as our social calendar starts to fill up i’m learning that there are certain windows of the day that just have to be for me.
usually, i wake up and write before 9a. i find the hours before the day starts are the most clear and where i experience the most flow. but this morning, i let myself sleep in and i missed the window. so i wrote what i could this morning. and then put it down.
we had a great Labor Day by the pool, with some organic red wine and wings, and started rewatching the Elizabeth Holmes show on Hulu thanks to that a24 trailer. then finished the night watching Coco kill it at the US Open.
apparently September is the month where everyone decides to lock in and get super focused. every year i feel like I see this trend on tiktok where people are like, hey, i’m about to lock in for the next 8 weeks and my life is going to be changed forever. it operates almost like a second new year for folks who need an external, seasonal motivation to get going.
and listen, i am a lock-in, double-down kind of girl. if you know me, you know i prefer to be at home, in my pajamas, hair in a bun, tinkering in my lab on ideas that will change the world.
but i’ve learned you can’t out-hustle your pain. you can’t out-work your trauma. and you can’t out-focus the truth.
and the truth is, you have no idea the damage the workplace and work culture has done to you.
work is the longest running relationship in our lives. and up until this point it’s probably been the most abusive. but so many of the day-to-day practices have been normalized, we don’t even realize how bad it’s really been. what we accept, participate in and endure at work are things that would never be acceptable anywhere else.
so the good news is you got out. and no matter how you left – whether they broke up with you or you broke up with them – please take time to process everything that’s happened before you get into a new relationship with work.
we work with the greats in their time of transition. and one of the biggest things we have to work with them on is deconstructing from the pace we learned in the workplace. we have to constantly remind them to slow down and reaffirm that they’re not going to be left behind. and that actually by doing more and moving too quickly, you just reinforce and reproduce all the things you don’t want and all the things you were frustrated by that creates a more devastating cycle of burnout and disillusionment that’s even more difficult to recover from.
oftentimes, the work you were doing prior to leaving is not actually the great work you’re meant to bring forth. but these revelations aren’t possible while you are in constant motion. you need space. you need time. you need to breathe. and you need a very specific kind of work therapy.
and because you are one of the greats. and we need you to be operating and expressing from a place of wholeness.
so in a world that is operating at an unsustainable pace, the most radical thing you can do is not lock in, but intentionally check out for a min.
quick story….
i historically have been the person who rolls quickly into the next thing.
my last day at Harpo / OWN was a Friday and i started at Netflix on Monday.
i gave three months notice at Netflix and started working for Clubhouse at night. my official last day of Netflix was a Friday. my official first day of Clubhouse was a Saturday. i know, i’m insane.
although i didn’t get asked to leave Clubhouse, my body was the one who pulled me out. it was spring of 2022, i was beyond exhaustion, in the midst of a wild divorce and knew it was time to leave. i also knew that i wouldn’t be looking for another job because nothing else was interesting or aspirational for me. i knew enough to know that my great work would somehow be connected to our work, the workplace and work culture. but that’s all i knew because i didn’t have any time to really contemplate anything else because i was working around the clock.
but just like i had done before, i just kept rolling into the next thing.
you know the question people ask, what would you do if money wasn’t an option? my answer was always to gather people for immersive experiences and retreats somewhere beautiful, like Maui, where we can collectively heal, tell the truth and figure out our real work and our lives. and before i had even left the virtual hallways of Clubhouse, i started planning to bring those dreams to life.
i assembled a small team of trusted people, hired a retreat producer and started planning late at night. we created an S-Corp, pulled together some branding, bought a domain and booked this gorgeous venue in Mexico. we laid out an intention, an agenda and i posted on IG stories in Feb 2022 that our first experience would be in June. within a week, the whole thing was booked. my last day of Clubhouse was June 3. a week or so later, i flew to Sayulita, Mexico for our first immersive experience. it felt like a dream came true.
so we quickly booked the next one for fall 2022 and that one sold out too. so i built a p&l, a pitch deck and built a 3 year vision for the company. we were going to be miraval, meets aspen institute, but for the culture. i had outlined our next wave of facilitators and all of the different experiences we would have. at one point i was looking at land for our first physical location. mind you, i had only hosted two retreats with approx 30 people. but you couldn’t tell me this wasn’t going to become the biggest thing ever.
one day, i was on the phone driving through Decatur and one of my dear friends at the time called me to check in. now, she was one of the people who i had been confiding in for the last couple years about how tired and exhausted i was. i told her often, i just need a break. i just need a minute to breathe. so she knew i had just left the company and probably figured that i’d be relaxing somewhere.
all i remember was rambling in what must have been a manic way about all of the plans i had. i was running her through the vision, the profit margins, how i was thinking about hiring the next round of facilitators…all of the things.
she interrupted abruptly and said, maya…what are you doing? you sound crazy right now. do you even know why you’re doing all of this? have you taken a second to breathe and process everything?
i assured her that i was ok…and that it was all good…and that things were working out well…and that i had a bias to action that was natural for me…and i learn best through doing…and the data was showing me… and i needed to capitalize on the momentum we had…and it’s what people really need right now…and…
she said calmly, you know… it’s ok to go off the grid for a while. it’s ok to not be seen for a minute. it’s ok to take a break and come back with fresh eyes and a clear heart.
i sat in silence for a minute. my first inclination was to say thank you for saying that but i’m good. but as the silence lingered, a deeper truth emerged.
i think i’m afraid of being left behind. i think i’m afraid of losing relevance, i replied.
the wild part was i truly didn’t even know those were feelings that existed in me until someone i deeply cared about, cared enough to ask me.
over the last four years, there has been a depth of processing and excavation that i couldn’t see coming. the layers are still coming off. the conditioning is still being deconstructed. i’m both grateful and angry. grateful to have found the truth of myself again. angry about what the workplace stole from me. and what it tried to kill in me.
i know there are real burdens, barriers and obligations to taking the space you need. if i could go back, here’s what i would’ve done (and some of the things we did do)....
1. move in with somebody. we need a safe space to tell the truth about what happened and ii don’t think we’re meant to live alone at the rate that we do. Kevin and i moved in together in 2023 and it made all the difference for me to have someone i love and trust to tell the truth to. we talk constantly about everything. and part of processing is saying the thing out loud. the other part is to both cry and laugh uncontrollably at it all. it’s part of the somatic processing experience to get it out of your body. i also think it’s more fun to do life with someone. we now live in what i call an intergenerational compound with my mom, my dogs, and a revolving door of family and visitors. we’ve alleviated massive financial burdens so we can feel free to explore and create on this side.
2. sign up for boring work. don’t jump into your life’s work yet. don’t launch the great grand business. this is not the time to build out the big vision. do boring work. get the consultancy off the ground. take another w-2 job where you can phone it in. sign up and drive Lyft. do something that you don’t care about so you save your virtue for the healing process. the foundation of success is conviction. deep belief in what you’re doing. (this is good and evil agnostic). operating in the gray area won’t work today. and you don’t want to produce out of survival or desperation. you want to produce from a place of conviction and power.
3. limit social media intake. this is self-explanatory. social media is the devil. the worst thing you can do is be online watching everyone else pretend like they got it going on. it just perpetuates the feeling that you’re going to be left behind which is absolutely not true.
4. get into a therapeutic practice that specifically targets work trauma. we do a lot of facilitated sessions with folks and we are so surprised that a lot of the work stories they share don’t come up in regular therapy for them. they also cite that they don’t have people in their lives they feel like they can really tell the truth too. but because we spend 70% of our lives at work, it’s the epicenter of our lives. and we’ve been so conditioned to perform, there are so many masks we don’t even know we’re wearing. it’s also the place where people are most triggered and retraumatized. we did a therapeutic practice nearly 4x a week for 2 years straight.
if you want a version of what we did, comment “work therapy” in the comments and i’ll dm you a pdf you can use in your journaling practice.
the retreats were epic. and we’ll probably end up bringing them back soon. but i know if I kept going at the pace and rate i was going i would’ve ended up somewhere that wasn’t the truth of who i was.
the last thing i’ll say is that if you believe in God, you will never be late when you operate on His timing. He has grand plans for us. He also asks us to rest in Him. to cast our burdens on Him. and to start speaking our truth, because the truth is what will set us free.
and you deserve to be free and express from that freedom.
sending u so much love,
m
(finished at 11:43p est. no time for spellcheck or editing. pls forgive if this doesn’t make any sense!)
work therapy 🙏