Excellently written piece! So powerful to recognize that when chaos becomes the default, misalignment follows closely behind. Thanks for your vulnerability here.
“what i didn’t know then but i know now is that my body was so burned out and depleted from battling…that i had conditioned my body to ignore red flags.” WHEW!!! And if I’m being honest—I had some of the worst examples of self care. I also see more and more and more that—this is what we were taught: that destructiveness was the way to rise to success. Do you know how much stuff I’m still unlearning from 20 and 30 years ago?!? D#!@
But reading this genuinely makes me realize I haven’t done the real work, where I truly forgive myself for making the best decision I could at the time. At least you’ve started! Your reasoning at the time really made sense—it was a global pandemic and the general feeling of financial vulnerability was in the air too. I’ve got a few things where I haven’t stopped long enough to forgive myself. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some homework to do!
we have to forgive ourselves. there’s so much i’m unlearning. even writing this i could feel the anxiety from the moment. it was therapeutic to do. writing about it, talking about it helps. i learned so much there and it taught me a lot. but i won’t ignore my body like that ever again
Maya! This was a masterclass in giving yourself grace reflecting back on career decisions. “Lust at first sight” is such a powerful way to describe how the sexy career opportunities we’re all taught to chase is fleeting and never quite fulfills us meaningfully. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this.
wadnes! i love seeing up here friend. how are u? what are u up to?
thank u for your words! we are in practice here of telling our true stories about what really happened at work. we feel like the more we share what actually happened the more it gives people permission to choose differently. so much of this stuff stays quiet and behind close doors. let’s open up the convo 🎈
Absolutely loved reading this and it resonated so deeply! The panic of having to choose between two career opportunities, the desire to make more money despite the physical toll and the little voice in the background that wonders what life would be like if you made a different choice. Whew, I've been there! I'm just over a decade into my career but I often think about all the corporate shots I missed and the ones that came back to bite me. But one thing remains certain, the decision to prioritize myself over them all is something I never regret and I believe my career will be better for it long-term. Thank you for sharing your heart here.
love this, Maya. For me, it can be hard to distinguish between fear and that still, small voice guiding me toward the next right thing. Or at least, the fear can sometimes be loudest. The way I get clear these days is by moving- taking a very long walk, or working out -changed me for the better
What a beautiful reminder of when speed is really your enemy -- when you're depleted, scared, and more focused on what other people are thinking than what your own body and heart are saying. Very few decisions come with a 100% full body yes. But those that come with pain and panic attacks, those are usually a sign that there might be another option.
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and heartbreaking story about what it feels like to be wanted and how waves of ambition can be confused with waves of desperation.
I think you’re the first lay person to use the word ‘maladaptive’ in a non-clinical post that I’ve read. Glad to see it. It’s a term that needs to be mainstreamed because we need to re-establish what is truly normal as in the healthy standard, not just what is common. In any case, I was hoping to read after you used the Calm app to rest from your inner conflict that the Calm job was the obvious choice. But clearly that wasn’t the direction of the story. I’m glad you connected the dots about chaos becoming your default and I’m sad that the Calm-type of opportunities are not the norm.
What I now know for sure is that, when I’m in the middle of making big decisions, "pace and haste" are express lanes to burnout and resentment. I do not take kindly to being rushed. My mama reminded me a few years ago when I was hemmin’ and hawin’ about leaving my job that I have always moved on my own time despite other folk behesting (namely her, lol). It’s taken some time for me to reclaim this for myself, and, lawd, it narrows my options and takes me out of many a game, but I wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey now.
I mainly need to go to sleep on time and make sure my calendar’s clear the next morning so I can move slowly in the quiet. From human design I’ve learned my head will constantly overrule my gut, and if I’m not operating from a rested state, the head will always win and loves to overwork. I’ve also learned that I need time to process and run my fifty’leven mental scenarios, lol, so sleeping on it keeps me from rushing through them. And the quiet slow mornings feel like retreats that allow me to stay still, envision what I want and not what I tell myself I should want.
The distinction between choosing an ambitious opportunity and being physiologically drawn toward adrenaline, urgency and chaos put language to something I’ve been struggling to understand in my own career.
I’ve spent years around startups and have sometimes mistaken intensity for importance, possibility for probability, and motion for compounding. Meanwhile, my wife has stayed at the same company, calmly built trust and scope, and created the kind of track record I keep hoping the next exciting opportunity will suddenly give me.
Your description of the body knowing before the mind could admit it and of a healthy environment feeling almost unfamiliar... this was especially powerful. Thank you for writing this with so much honesty.
this is so beautifully written on the many twisted, nonlinear decision trees we all face (both past and future). in my experience, the best part about giving ourselves grace is having the quiet to grow from those moments. and the yacht, if you still want to, is a when not an if!
Excellently written piece! So powerful to recognize that when chaos becomes the default, misalignment follows closely behind. Thanks for your vulnerability here.
“when chaos becomes default, misalignment follows closely behind.” this, gloria. This! thank u for being here on our little corner of the internet.
“what i didn’t know then but i know now is that my body was so burned out and depleted from battling…that i had conditioned my body to ignore red flags.” WHEW!!! And if I’m being honest—I had some of the worst examples of self care. I also see more and more and more that—this is what we were taught: that destructiveness was the way to rise to success. Do you know how much stuff I’m still unlearning from 20 and 30 years ago?!? D#!@
But reading this genuinely makes me realize I haven’t done the real work, where I truly forgive myself for making the best decision I could at the time. At least you’ve started! Your reasoning at the time really made sense—it was a global pandemic and the general feeling of financial vulnerability was in the air too. I’ve got a few things where I haven’t stopped long enough to forgive myself. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some homework to do!
we have to forgive ourselves. there’s so much i’m unlearning. even writing this i could feel the anxiety from the moment. it was therapeutic to do. writing about it, talking about it helps. i learned so much there and it taught me a lot. but i won’t ignore my body like that ever again
I’m glad you’re giving yourself grace. It wasn’t quite right, and it didn't become what we thought it would be, but the best part was meeting you 💚
the amazing team we built was the best part. we did the best we could!!!
This piece made me reevaluate the pivotal moments like that in my career. Netflix was my sugary cereal at the time!
hi nabilah!!
Maya! This was a masterclass in giving yourself grace reflecting back on career decisions. “Lust at first sight” is such a powerful way to describe how the sexy career opportunities we’re all taught to chase is fleeting and never quite fulfills us meaningfully. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this.
wadnes! i love seeing up here friend. how are u? what are u up to?
thank u for your words! we are in practice here of telling our true stories about what really happened at work. we feel like the more we share what actually happened the more it gives people permission to choose differently. so much of this stuff stays quiet and behind close doors. let’s open up the convo 🎈
Well said! So many updates to share. I’ll send a DM.
it’s not lost on me that you walked away from calm and i to chaos! ✨. brilliant piece. truly.
Absolutely loved reading this and it resonated so deeply! The panic of having to choose between two career opportunities, the desire to make more money despite the physical toll and the little voice in the background that wonders what life would be like if you made a different choice. Whew, I've been there! I'm just over a decade into my career but I often think about all the corporate shots I missed and the ones that came back to bite me. But one thing remains certain, the decision to prioritize myself over them all is something I never regret and I believe my career will be better for it long-term. Thank you for sharing your heart here.
love this, Maya. For me, it can be hard to distinguish between fear and that still, small voice guiding me toward the next right thing. Or at least, the fear can sometimes be loudest. The way I get clear these days is by moving- taking a very long walk, or working out -changed me for the better
What a beautiful reminder of when speed is really your enemy -- when you're depleted, scared, and more focused on what other people are thinking than what your own body and heart are saying. Very few decisions come with a 100% full body yes. But those that come with pain and panic attacks, those are usually a sign that there might be another option.
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and heartbreaking story about what it feels like to be wanted and how waves of ambition can be confused with waves of desperation.
So rarely do we talk about big life decisions so openly with this level of detail with the benefit of hindsight. Thank you 🙏
I think you’re the first lay person to use the word ‘maladaptive’ in a non-clinical post that I’ve read. Glad to see it. It’s a term that needs to be mainstreamed because we need to re-establish what is truly normal as in the healthy standard, not just what is common. In any case, I was hoping to read after you used the Calm app to rest from your inner conflict that the Calm job was the obvious choice. But clearly that wasn’t the direction of the story. I’m glad you connected the dots about chaos becoming your default and I’m sad that the Calm-type of opportunities are not the norm.
What I now know for sure is that, when I’m in the middle of making big decisions, "pace and haste" are express lanes to burnout and resentment. I do not take kindly to being rushed. My mama reminded me a few years ago when I was hemmin’ and hawin’ about leaving my job that I have always moved on my own time despite other folk behesting (namely her, lol). It’s taken some time for me to reclaim this for myself, and, lawd, it narrows my options and takes me out of many a game, but I wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey now.
I mainly need to go to sleep on time and make sure my calendar’s clear the next morning so I can move slowly in the quiet. From human design I’ve learned my head will constantly overrule my gut, and if I’m not operating from a rested state, the head will always win and loves to overwork. I’ve also learned that I need time to process and run my fifty’leven mental scenarios, lol, so sleeping on it keeps me from rushing through them. And the quiet slow mornings feel like retreats that allow me to stay still, envision what I want and not what I tell myself I should want.
Maya, holy shit. This hit me hard.
The distinction between choosing an ambitious opportunity and being physiologically drawn toward adrenaline, urgency and chaos put language to something I’ve been struggling to understand in my own career.
I’ve spent years around startups and have sometimes mistaken intensity for importance, possibility for probability, and motion for compounding. Meanwhile, my wife has stayed at the same company, calmly built trust and scope, and created the kind of track record I keep hoping the next exciting opportunity will suddenly give me.
Your description of the body knowing before the mind could admit it and of a healthy environment feeling almost unfamiliar... this was especially powerful. Thank you for writing this with so much honesty.
this is so beautifully written on the many twisted, nonlinear decision trees we all face (both past and future). in my experience, the best part about giving ourselves grace is having the quiet to grow from those moments. and the yacht, if you still want to, is a when not an if!