i'm so tired of being disappointed

i'm used to being disappointed by the world. I didn't expect to be this disappointed following God.

i’m back, reporting live. fresh from a crash out. it’s been a minute since i’ve written to you all and i’ve genuinely missed you.

it feels really awkward to say this, but we (me and Kevin) wrote a book. and i can’t believe that the first time we’re talking about the book is to tell you we’re not going to release it.

how we got here

Kevin and I have been working on a book for the last year. personally, i’ve been writing this book since 2022. i always knew i’d write one. i didn’t know when, but back in november 2022, in my quiet time, a desire for a book got planted in me. i didn’t go looking for it. it got added to me, the same way every assignment on this journey has.

2022 was the year i quit corporate. i had climbed to the proverbial mountaintop in my career, and i was miserable up there – the money, the titles, the failed marriage. none of it satisfied me. so i said to God: you win. i’ve done it my way long enough. i’m ready to do this your way, forreal. He said bet, and burned the rest of my life to the ground.

since then i’ve been on this quest — not just to live and work according to His design, but to align my whole life with His plans for it – i got clear that my assignment is to change the culture of work.

on this journey to change the culture of work, i’ve gone everywhere i’ve been sent. first into a coaching and leadership company called Waking Hours. we started consulting, advising and hosting retreats in Mexico with some of the greatest people i’ve ever sat with. they were sold out, beautiful, and then the demand quietly slowed.

then, that morphed into a tech company that helps people understand each other at work. we raised seven figures in the hardest year in VC history, and it came with an ease that felt like confirmation. While we had some success, we learned that the workplace wasn’t really ready for what we built. shutting it down was hard to make sense of, because i never asked to be a tech founder. i was placed there.

oh, the places i've been...

and now, I am on the third iteration of this journey, what Kevin and I are building now: bestworks, a company and community designed to get individuals, leaders and founders into practice and sustained expression of their best work.

i’ve learned so much from each venture. they have shaped me into a version of myself i didn’t know was possible. the amount of wisdom i’ve acquired is staggering. and it’s true you learn more from the things that don’t work than the things that do. but every single time, i’ve had to put myself out there and say, hey, here’s a new thing, come look, what do you think? and every single time there’s a moment where i’ve prayed, ok God, you’ve got me out here looking crazy. i’m not going anywhere. but your girl could really use a win.

and every time it doesn’t work, it hurts like hell. and the wisdom from experience never feels like enough. and i sometimes wonder if i’m getting this following God thing right.

you’re a writer, maya

in 2023, i decided to go with a hybrid publisher. i convinced myself that I could help model a new way and that this is the future of publishing. and it probably is. but the truth is i was afraid of being rejected by a traditional publisher. so instead of giving them the chance to say we’re not interested, i bypassed them all together and went the non-traditional route.

the good thing about hybrid is that you own the work and you can set your own timelines. i didn’t consider myself a writer, so we brought on a collaborative writer named Liz (a literal angel). I had no shame about admitting that i needed help.

we spent about a year mapping and drafting. we essentially wrote two books over two years. each time we finished one, i’d read it back and go, no. we haven’t nailed it. and somewhere in there liz said something nobody had ever said to me: maya, you’re a writer. i find myself editing you, not writing for you. if you ever do this again, don’t hire someone like me. just write it yourself. i held onto that. coming from a publishing veteran, it felt like being handed something.

so for this third one, kevin and i decided to co-author a book about what we’ve learned and how to change the culture of work. the book would be the doorway into our new company. it would be the vehicle that got us on stages, in front of clients, into people’s hands. it would be this generation’s purpose driven life, but through work instead of ministry.

and this time, without liz, i decided to write. and it was the most excruciating project of my life. but we did it. the manuscript was done in february of this year. i sobbed when i finished the last chapter. it felt like crossing a finish line i wasn’t sure i’d reach. we sent it to our editor for line edits and i told kevin i have to put the book down, and got back to building bestworks.

we were so close

while it was being edited, kevin and i did what we do best: we started building the campaign. we broke it into three lanes: book industry, influencers, cultural conversation. we started taking calls with publicists and creatives. we got quotes. we mapped who our readers were, where they live and how we were going to get in front of them.

and we were excited. we finally were going to have something to show for this crazy quest we’ve been on. we finally had a good answer when people asked what we’d been up to: we’ve been writing a book, it’s out this fall. and you could see the hope jump into their eyes for us.

then the editor’s notes came back. i held my breath and to my surprise the feedback was amazing:

This is a compelling manuscript with an original framework that feels relevant and actionable. Your (Maya’s) voice is warm, relatable, authoritative and emotionally honest. This will make the book land hard for the right reader and is the manuscripts greatest asset. The Carl conversation in the prologue is genuinely cinematic and one of the strongest openings I’ve encountered in this genre. The Becoming Statement framework is the book’s intellectual contribution, and it’s original enough to distinguish this from the crowded purpose/calling shelf.

If I were positioning this, I'd probably say it sits on the shelf between Glennon Doyle and Brene Brown, with Myle's Munroe's theology underneath and Steven Pressfield's creative philosophy woven through. The audience is the person who has read all of those authors and is still hungry—still searching for something that integrates the personal, the professional, the spiritual, and the practical into a single coherent invitation.

It’s written for the person who has done everything right by the world’s standards and still feels like something fundamental is missing.

i thought, ok, wow. this is really happening.

and then something happened. we lost all momentum.

things weren’t flowing like they were when we were in the process of writing the book. i felt this wall of resistance — to editing, to greenlighting the publicist, to talking about any of it. i’d sit down to work and just... couldn’t. and i’ve learned on this journey there’s a resistance you’re meant to push through and a divine resistance that simply won’t let you. this was the second kind.

there was a quiet feeling that i had…the book isn’t done. it’s still being written. but i wasn’t going to say it out loud because then it would be real. but a couple weeks later, in one of our meetings Kevin said… friend, i think there’s a new version of the book coming through. i don’t think the book is done. he said it like a truth passing through him, something to consider. i knew he was right, which is why i broke down and completely lost it. i do not have another book in me. and i can’t believe this is happening again.

the truth about disappointment

i’ve dedicated most of my life to be in service to others and making the world a better place. i’m not perfect, but i think i’m genuinely pretty decent for society. i’ve let go of pretty much everything – the life, the house, the cars, the money, the drinking, the smoking and the sex. i’m out here experiencing life raw. i have said yes to God with my whole heart and whole life. and i keep waiting for the part where it pays off. where are the wins? where is the abundance? where is the overflow?

i know many of us who are trying to do life a different way are feeling it, wondering when are our efforts going to add up. maybe you haven’t spoken your disappointment out loud… maybe it’s kept you from asking for what you really want… maybe it has you wondering if you’re enough, if you’re hearing correctly or your questioning if you’re on the right path.

i told Kevin we have to figure out this disappointment thing. i won’t make it if i don’t really get this. my heart can’t take it anymore.

so i asked and prayed, what am I’m not understanding about disappointment? and in the same intimate space that I’ve heard Him my whole life, He kindly whispered: it’s not Me, it’s you.

here’s what i heard:

1. we’re new to this. we’ve got to give ourselves time to learn this new way. we’ve spent decades living life the world’s way. and it takes time to understand how it works on this side. we have to learn to be more patient with ourselves and give ourselves some grace. as long as we’re learning and growing, we’re on the right path.

2. we have to become the people who can handle what we ask for. God is going to give you the desire of your heart and there is an expectation that you are going to put together a plan and get to work. this is evidence of your faith. but you can also be sure that if you’ve mapped out how it’s going to happen, it’s for sure not going to happen according to your plan. the plan is not the point. the plan is the pathway to get you into the practice of becoming who you need to be in order to carry everything He wants to give to you and it not break you. every year you have to believe you’re going to win the championship, go to practice and also never know when it’s going to happen. the how is on Him.

3. we have to be more honest about what we really want. sometimes our desire to serve makes us shrink down, play it small and downplay our true desires. It compromises our authority and our conviction. and the truth is we need more servant visionary leaders in power, with influence, with the mic. it’s ok to say you want those things. we actually need to get louder. and our job is to keep humility in the process. we must always remember that the God given vision you were given cannot be fulfilled with a self-serving spirit. you gotta want it for the betterment of us, not just for you.

so where did i miss the mark?

i wrote a book. but I didn’t become a writer and storyteller. when the book was done, the practice didn’t continue. i attached myself to the outcome instead of falling in love with the practice.

i wasn’t honest about what i really wanted. i convinced myself that i just wanted the book to get in the right hands. but that’s not true. so i’m speaking out loud, what I really want and what i wrote in my private journal in November 2022… i desire and pray that we have a NYT bestselling book. i pray it’s the bestselling leadership book in business in the history of the Earth. i pray that every company and every leader and every team read it and it helps them be better to each other.

the book isn’t done yet. i wanted to release it so i could finally be seen for the work i had put in. it was impatience.

but the book not coming out is a blessing because it wouldn’t have achieved the true desire of my heart and the job it was created to do. and i would have been disappointed, again.

i’m learning to stop being my own abuser and stop becoming the weapon formed against me. i’m learning to be honest about what i want instead of pretending i’m above wanting. i’m learning that my work is to become the person who can carry the desires of my heart. and i’m learning to take my hands off the wheel. because the whole benefit of doing it His way is that He opens the doors and arranges the timing.

until then, i’ll be in the gym writing and falling in love with the practice itself.

so happy to be back.

sending u so much love,

m