i almost quit my life on Tuesday. turns out it was just day 2 of my period.

you’ve been swimming upstream against your own design since you were twelve.

i didn’t know what i was going to write about until this morning. so i decided to write about the wrestling match i was having with my body this am.

i’ve committed to writing twice a week. and i’ve set an expectation for myself that these articles need to go out early in the morning to hit your inbox. to arrive as you awake so you can have food for your soul before you begin the day. it’s actually a ridiculous thought when i write it on paper, but nonetheless that has been the thinking. and there’s also all the email optimization bs too. you know all of the experts who say people don’t check their email in the middle of the day, they’re working, busy or distracted. i don’t think that’s true.

but idc, y’all are getting this midday snack instead.

i’m an early riser most days. like, i’m a before 5a gal. and on writing days, i naturally wake up around 3:30a. Toni Morrison was right that the best writing happens early. so this morning, i naturally woke up at 3:42 am. but not with any enthusiasm or desire to write. i was bone tired. you know that kind of groggy tired where it feels like you are tossing and turning in cement? it was like that. so i said, ok, 30 more minutes. I woke up thinking it was 30 minutes, but now it’s 90 min later and now it’s 5:27a. at this point, i’m doing complex math in the dark. ok if i get up 15 minutes, i can get an outline done, take out the dogs, feed them, come back and shower and then bang something out by 8:30a. good plan, i think to myself. apparently, i dozed back off to sleep and when i woke up and grabbed for my phone buried in the blanket, the clock now said 7:14a. shoot! i missed the window. you know what, we’ll just skip today. nobody is checking for what we’re saying anyway. we’ll just get back on schedule on thurs.

at this point, i have been wrestling with myself for 3 hours.

so i sit up in bed and wonder, what is going on? i’m experiencing a level of resistance and fatigue that’s not normal. then i check my calendar. it’s day 26 of my cycle. which is my new day 28. which means that my hormones are at rock bottom. my uterine lining is experiencing a cellular death. my inflammatory chemicals are rising. my serotonin is at the lowest point of the month. i have elevated cortisol and histamine and my brain is literally experiencing neurochemical withdrawal. i feel like i’m hanging on by a thread. and everything requires extra effort.

but yes, let me please push through all of this to get a substack out by 9a.

i will be brief because i’m in late luteal…

this January, Kevin and I were on a work trip in LA. it was a big deal for us. and because we don’t get out to the west coast as often, we decided to pack it with dinners, gatherings, friend catch ups, the works. travel takes a lot of out of me these days. it gets me out of my rhythm, i eat foods i don’t normally eat, i’m up later than i like. and when you add in the time change, it’s not as exciting as it used to be when i was younger in my career.

by the last day, i was so overwhelmingly tired, bloated and irritable that i couldn’t wait to get home. which made me feel worse because i should have been enjoying this first-of-its-kind trip in our new venture. after our 8 hour travel day, we got back to the house, ordered Chipotle and decided to watch something on HBO Max and crashed.

the next morning, with every fiber of my being, i got up and told Kevin we needed to talk. and that despite having one of the best work trips we’ve had in our time working together, i told him that i was done. i couldn’t keep working like this anymore. that it had been great working with him, but it’s over. you could see the shock and dismay in his eyes because he could see the fury and seriousness in mine. i don’t remember the exact sequence of events or what exactly triggered me, but it didn’t matter.

i remember him being calm and saying, ok…

i then went into my room, shut the door and burst into tears watching the movie Rudy. i checked my period app and realized i was on day 2. i realized that this epic work trip happened during my monthly rock bottom.

i got up, told him i didn’t mean any of it. and i was sorry.

mind you, when i asked him earlier today what he remembered about the story where i said i couldn’t do this anymore and wanted to quit everything, he said in the most genuine and pure way, which time are you talking about?

every single system and every single workplace is designed around man’s 24 hour cycle. i got my period when i was 11. so that means for essentially the last 30 years of my life, i have been working against my inherent design. do you realize how insane that is?

we are expected to exist by their rules that ignore our biology. this is one of the primary reasons the workplace has to be reconstructed. because it asks 50% of its workforce to betray itself every day.

no but seriously, i should be able to sit in a meeting, and look Bob from accounting dead in the eye while he’s asking me to make major 3-year budget decisions, and just say:

sorry Bob. i’m on day 28 and in late luteal. the progesterone has left the building. i am experiencing severe cognitive decline and the tone of your questions is actively triggering a rage blackout. i’d be much better suited to answer this question in two weeks when I’m ovulating, full of estrogen, and at peak creativity and power. let’s reschedule for then, okay?

anything less than that is denying the truth of myself.

power comes from alignment. and if i’m asked to operate out of alignment with myself most days, then I’ll never, ever be able to experience true power.

imagine a bird who is designed to fly being reduced to live on the ground its whole life. it can never live up to its potential if it has to force itself to crawl, and then blame itself for not being fast enough.

and i think that’s what i was saying to Kevin that day… i can’t do it like this anymore.

i’m no longer willing to work against myself. i have to work in flow with myself.

since then, i’ve been aggressively and intentionally cycle syncing. not just the foods i eat, but also the work i do. there are some weeks that are great for creation. and there are other weeks that are better suited for reflection. and there are some days where i shouldn’t be talking to anyone. and i want to know what it feels like and what’s possible when i honor that and don’t push through anymore.

so i made a guide for Kevin and all the other men i work with at bestworks. it’s called, every 28 days: a field guide for men who work with women. i let them know that i’m going to be more honest and outspoken about my cycle because it impacts how i work. i have my cycle days on my calendar. this morning, we were on a call and i opened by saying, heads up, i’m on day 26.

he laughed, and said…ahh, ok. because he knows what it means.

if you want to send the guide to the men in your life, comment “every 28 days” and i’ll dm it to you.

the future of work is not about kicking men out of the workplace. it’s about reimagining one where both of our designs are honored and accounted for. we’re trying to build that at our company bestworks. will keep u posted on how it goes.

and before you make big life decisions, make sure to check the calendar.

sending u so much love (from bed),

m