hurry up and get to Cannes so you can realize it's not what it looks like

i spent thousands to be in a room that left me humiliated.

when oprah is really outside, i tend to get text messages and dms from people asking if i knew she was outside. and the answer is yes. yes, i know she’s there. yes, i heard the comments about whitney. i was there in 2009. we were told to never speak about it, and i’m keeping my vow of silence.

between events like Cannes, Essencefest, Martha’s Vineyards and things of the like this summer, we are upon i’m on social watching my peers in rooms i wish were in and wishing i was in the rooms season.

i spend a lot of time with visionary leaders at every level who are on the long, wild, treacherous journey of discovering what their life is truly an answer to. our job is to help them get clear and then be in practice with them as they build the capacity and courage to live in sustained expression of it.

some of the leaders we serve step toward it willingly. others get thrown and pushed onto the path by a life event that knocks them off their axis—a layoff, a divorce, a disappointment they never saw coming. we tend to show up when people’s lives feel hollow, isolating, and quietly soul-crushing. in the seasons they whisper, is this it? and for sure when they are most burned out, anxious and feeling more disconnected than ever.

and for anyone feeling these things, watching everyone wear their south of France white, these are the worst weeks to be online.

desperate to get to shiny sisterhood fest

a couple years ago, i was in the thick of my disorienting wilderness season. for the most part, i kept to myself with a very small crew of people i trusted. the truth is, once i left all the shiny stuff – the big titles, the culturally relevant companies, the industry and the scene – my phone went dry.

and normally, i’m pretty good about monitoring my content consumption. i don’t really desire to be outside like that. i love my bed and i love living in pajamas. and i’ve been in plenty of rooms, with plenty of interesting people and plenty of places to really know what’s good and what happens there.

but i was weak and in a season where I didn’t know who i was. and there were some weeks where i would sink into self-pity, indulging in the world and in everyone else’s lives. it was a quiet way of wounding myself. scrolling, going to their pages, taking in all the things they had and I didn’t.

there was this one invitation-only event that i saw everyone (4 people) talking about they were going to. let’s call it shiny sisterhood fest. and it was this combination of people posting photos about speaking there, or how the last year was life-changing, or that thing that people do where they comment under each other’s photos…omg, slay. love your outfit. can’t wait to hug you at shiny sisterhood fest next week.

and suddenly i became obsessed with wanting to be there. i need to be at shiny sisterhood fest! i need to know that i matter be in that room. i remember lamenting to Kevin. i don’t understand why i don’t invited to stuff like this. and even making snide comments about the people who did get invited. i can’t believe so and so got invited, she hasn’t even… she doesn’t even…whew chile, the pride popped out quick!

i even talked to God about it in my prayer time. Lord, if it’s in Your will. please open doors for me to be at shiny sisterhood fest. and y’all, He answered my prayer. i got invited at the last minute by an unexpected guest, all expenses paid.

shiny sisterhood fest, here i come!

so i started to feverishly preparing. first, i booked a first-class ticket. i studied the speakers’ site and knew there were a few people coming from atlanta i might know i couldn’t possibly walk past them to coach. then, i gathered all of my shiny things because there’s no way i can show up to shiny sisterhood fest looking raggedy, tired and beat up from the wilderness. hair appointment, new nails, pack the louis carry on bag, the chanel classic flap, the ysl crossbody, my gucci slides, my diamond encrusted Michele watch, my gold doorknockers and birkenstocks to look luxurious but relatable. and just in case, let me order 4 new outfits just in case and pay next day delivery so i can try them on inside my walk-in closet full of clothes.

exhales. it felt good to be back.

nike sneakers, LV bag, new nails through the airport.

as i sipped champagne on the flight looking out the window, i started to panic a bit. what am i going to stay when people ask me what i’ve been up to. i didn’t have the titles that mattered for the shiny sisterhood fest. there was no more CMO, SVP, EVP, Director of anything. i was a founder of a startup that had barely raised any capital and had no idea what we were doing. i started role playing in my head.

it was time to take the leap into entrepreneurship. it’s crazy over here, isn’t it?

i wanted to be a more present mom before my daughter graduated and went off into the world.

i’m exploring my options right now. taking a beat to recalibrate.

i just needed a minute for me. i’m seeing it as my sabbatical before i really dive into what’s next.

when i pulled up to the hotel in my Uber Black SUV, i could immediately feel the distance between where i was in my life and the energy in this room. the first instance i felt it was when i was checking in and said hi to a wolf pack group of women who were standing nearby. and before they said hi back to me they scanned me up and down like a TSA wand to see if my outfit and demeanor was worthy of hello. oof. let me go up to my room, get ready, drink some more wine to take the edge off so i can be fresh, ready and on for the welcome reception.

as i was walking through the long hotel corridor to dinner, I spotted someone who I thought was a friendly. and my face lit up. she was someone who i spent a lot of time with. we came up in the industry together. i helped get her access to Oprah world back in the day. put her on lists. made introductions that proved very fruitful for her career. i wanted to see her win. this is just who i always was. if i had the access, so did you. and i naively thought she also wanted to see me win.

when i approached her, she turned away from me. and walked toward someone else. genuinely confused, i walked up behind her and said, hey! and she said half-way looked at me and said hey. and then turned to the group she was with and kept talking.

ohhhhhhhhh. it’s like that.

i felt humiliated. discarded. and irrelevant in less than 4 hours of being on site.

over the next couple of days, i did more observing than talking. there were a few people I knew who were genuinely kind to me and they became my places of safety in the abyss of perfectly curated images. but more often than not, i kept bearing witness to the performative rituals that tend to fill these rooms.

the prioritizing of selfies and content, of strategically gathering the right group of people for maximum impact and everyone angling to gain access to each other’s audience.

the smiling, nodding, and laughing together, immediately followed by the whispers and eye-rolling: i can’t stand her.

the rooms built on the promise of sharing answers, only to host a q&q with speakers who offer nothing tangible, nothing that actually moves you forward and speakers who somehow make you feel stupid for even asking the question.

the rooms that pride themselves on being come as you are, except every single person is dripped up and draped down, wearing every piece of jewelry they own.

shiny sisterhood fest was supposed to be four days, and i left early in the morning on day 3 because i had had enough. and as I traveled back wondering why i spent so much time and energy caring about being in that room, God whispered, do u now see why i answered your prayer?

the one photo i took of. me, by myself wondering why did i want to come here.

lessons from shiny sisterhood fest

it’s been my experience that the rooms we so wish to be in are never the rooms that actually change our life. the desire to be in them really uncovers the deeper pain of feeling unseen and that sensation becoming indistinguishable from feeling worthless.

when u are on the journey of becoming your best work, there will be seasons where you feel like you have nothing to show for the work you’ve put in. you might not have the content to post that shows you’re making progress. you might not get the invites for awhile. you might not be relevant right now. you might not have the means to even show up if you do get invited. and none of those things are connected to inherent worth.

so some words of advice to those who may be in the thick of it…

1. hurry up and get in the room so you can learn it for yourself. this may be unexpected advice, but if you’re feeling like why can’t it be me too in those rooms, then work harder and get yourself in the room. it’s easy for someone like me to say it doesn’t matter, it’s another thing for you to learn it for yourself.

2. don’t give up and don’t stop caring…but get offline. social media is the devil! there is nothing good about it and it will ruin your life, having you wanting things and pursuing things that are not yours. it will make you feel worse in a season that’s already difficult. i literally spent thousands of dollars to get humiliated at shiny sisterhood fest because i was scrolling in a vulnerable season.

3. trust that being unseen for a season is not the same as being unworthy. just because you aren’t seeing the physical manifestation of how much you put in doesn’t mean you are behind. you are not forgotten. you are being made into someone who can finally hold what’s coming without losing yourself to it. let the season do its work. the longer you resist it, the longer you’ll be in it.

4. love the people who show up for you in this season hard. i quickly learned in my wilderness that most of the people who celebrated and loved me in my old life didn’t really love me, they loved what i could do for them. they loved my gifts when they could access them for their benefit. they loved my presence when it served them. but they were not interested in supporting me through my season of transformation. but the ones who did are my people for life.

the rooms that changed my life were never the big rooms. they were micro rooms, intimate dinners, serendipitous encounters that you can’t plan for. they showed up when i wasn’t worried about how things looked. they showed up when i was in practice and in service of the work i was created to do.

so this summer, log off. connect with the people who love you. focus on your becoming. and get into practice of what your work is. and prioritize the rooms who actually want the truest version of you.

sending u so much love,

m

p.s. i apologize for all the ways i knowingly and unknowingly contributed to performative culture that just ruins us. if you are someone who is in a wilderness season and not sure what your work is, email me or dm me… we can help you!